How to Get Sick (and Recover) in Guatemala

WARNING: This blog post contains medical information, including humorous descriptions of symptoms from a real medical disorder. Reader discretion is advised. The post is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent illness. Although, if it does - awesome! 

So, we all had a new experience this last week - amoebic dysentery. (Ok, it wasn't quite to the point of technically being dysentery, but it was close.) And, while it doesn't rate high on my list of things I'd recommend that you experience when you visit Guatemala, I think it will at least be one of the more memorable 'firsts' that we've encountered. So, in case you'd like to repeat the experience (or, maybe in case you DON'T want to repeat it), I've decided to include a step-by-step set of instructions. Without further ado, I present:

Amoebas 101

1.) Eat something. Or, drink something. Or, don't, and just touch stuff that someone else has touched. Really, there are no guarantees on this step of the process. Ameobas are very, very, very common here - both in the food and water, and on people's hands. The life cycle of amoebas makes them very easy to transmit from person-to-person. Even with the best of preventative measures (cooking things thoroughly, being careful what you drink, washing hands often) you might still end up with amoebas. Think of it as a little surprise gift from Xela to you! (How thoughtful, right?)

2.) Start feeling symptoms. Or, think you're starting to feel symptoms, but you're not sure. Or, don't, and just harbor these little suckers in your gut with you apparent side effects. Any of these are possibilities. In our case, it's likely a mix of all three. We've all struggled with <ahem> loose stools since our arrival. It's likely that we picked up amoebas sometime in the past month or two, had only a few symptoms, and managed to pass the first life cycle fairly easily. (When I speak of life cycles, by the way, let's just say it's possible to diagnose how long the amoebas have been in your gut by the presence or absence of their various manifestations. The word 'cysts' might have been thrown around in the lab report.)

Once the amoebas do start to cause symptoms, they are not pleasant ones. Severe diarrhea (up to 10 times per day), stomach cramping and aching, gas, high fever, and terrible headaches are all common... and that's just if the amoebas don't penetrate the lining the of your intestines, get into your bloodstream, and colonize in your liver. (Or BRAIN! Ewwwwwwwwww....)

3.)  Go to the doctor to get a diagnosis. This is an especially challenging thing if you don't know where to go, or what to say, since you don't speak the language. ("Un examen de heces, por favor," by the way - in case you're wondering.) This is where I am, once again, grateful to be in the embrace of a wonderful group of people who are very kind and take very good care of us. I was driven to the private hospital here in town, where I had the distinct privilege of paying 30Q (approx. $4) to give a stool sample in a urine specimen cup! I'll let the realities of that challenge remain unwritten and up to your imagination. Later the same day two other people from our family got to repeat the process. (I'm thinking this is a skill we should all include on our resumes.)

4.) Pray. (This really helped with the duration and severity of our cases!) Get medication. Again - this can be a challenge if you don't know what to say or where to go. Because lab results get emailed to you (in Spanish, of course), and there are no actual paper prescriptions, you'll once again either have to rely on the kindness of those around you, or dumb luck. (I would highly recommend the former!) Medication, though over-the-counter, is still not cheap. You should expect to pay between $50 and $75 per person for a full course of treatment. Thankfully, this is not a case where the cure is worse than the disease. The pills themselves aren't terrible, and only have to be taken three times per day for ten days. I've been told that (like most medications) it is of the utmost importance to complete a full treatment. It's bad enough to think about amoebas living in your intestines. I can't imagine having mutated amoebas to boot!

5.) Like the instructions given on shampoo bottles - lather, rinse, repeat. (Although, if you think about it, that means that we'd all be stuck in the shower forever if we followed those instructions.) Anyway - after fully recovering, you're back to step number one all over again. And, though you'll continue to do your best to wash foods carefully, watch out for what you eat and drink, and wash your hands frequently, there will still be no guarantees that you won't pick up a new batch of free-loading little amoebas who will, once again, try to colonize your intestinal tract and anything else they get access to.

The good news is that the second time around at least you'll be familiar with the process, know how to say all the necessary words in Spanish, and already be skilled at giving a sample.  ;)